The Conquest of Kraden
by Perfect Nobody
Summary: This is the story of Kraden, a man so great that your tongue would eat itself if you even began to try and comprehend his greatness.


Author's Annotations: Once, not so long ago in a Japan far, far away, a company known as Camelot created the video game known as Golden and its sequel, known as the Lost Age. Although these games were some of the best to ever grace the mortal world, they provided a skewed view of the events that occurred in Weyard. In order to provide a challenging and enjoyable experience (where, for example, the player would be rendered incapable of playing a person appearing as though he had just arrived from the nearest senior citizens' home, and defeating enemies by uttering a single word) Kraden was forced to abdicate his position as main character. The honor was then handed to a pair of actors pretending to be mute, who eventually came to be known as Isaac and Felix.

This was all nice when the games first came out; however, it is high time that Kraden recieves the recognition he clearly deserves.

Let the truth be told.

* * *

A Foreword by Teschio 

Once, there was an organization. All fans of Golden Sun, the one thing they had in common aside from love of the game was dedication to Kraden. An invision.free forum was created, and one man created a joke FAQ for unlocking Kraden, as well as the Wheat Sword. But that's another story.

There was another man, one possessing a brilliant and dark genius, knew Kraden to be the supreme and unequivocal.

Lord he truly is. This man spread the greatness of Kraden through a story, to be passed on through the circles of all Golden Sun fandom.

This is that man. And this is that story.

* * *

Prologue 

In the beginning, Camelot created the Heaven and Weyard. And Weyard was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Camelot moved upon the face of the waters. And Camelot said, Let there be Kraden: and there was Kraden. And Camelot saw Kraden, that he was good: and God divided Kraden from everything else. And Camelot called the Kraden awesome, and everything else not awesome. And the evening and the morning were the first day. Shortly thereafter, Kraden killed his creator and made rough love to the other six days.

* * *

Chapter 1: The Lord of the Universe 

Placed atop a gigantic pyramid, in the newly-renamed Kradenia desert, was an ancient man in simple brown robes. His face had aged very badly, to the point where the grooves in his face could no longer be called wrinkles but rather large canyons. Surrounding him was a harem of beautiful dancing girls and a group of elite bodyguards (not that he needed any protection, of course). This person was the pinnacle of everything that could be described as "awesome." He was Hammurabi and Richard the Lionheart and Obi-Wan Kenobi; he was a combination of all the great leaders that had ever existed. Even straight men referred to him as "dead sexy;" he was enough to put Chuck Norris to shame. This was Kraden, and he was ruler of the entire world. All that ever was, is, and ever shall be belonged to him; he was a living god among mortals. He was contemplating his perfection when he was suddenly interrupted by a messenger.

"Milord, thieves are desecrating your temple!"

Kraden frowned, his eyes scanning the land until he spotted several people leaving the structure that been built in his honor. Silently, he raised his hand, and a bolt of pure psynergy rippled through his fingers. For an instant, his right hand achieved the rank of a minor Greek god. With perfect and deadly aim, he let loose his weapon. His targets were obliterated in a blast of flames, which exploded with the force of a fusion reaction in a small and contained area. Slowly, the debris cleared and all that remained was a crater in the ground.

Mildly amused, Kraden then sought out the real thieves and destroyed them as well. Throwing back his head, he let loose the laugh of a perfect yet demented madman, the sound of which not only killed his messenger (who tumbled down the pyramid and into a nearby river, there to be devoured by several species of flesh-consuming fish), but also caused two woman in Prox to have involuntary simultaneous orgasms in their sleep.

In short, life was good.

"Wake up, you lazy sack of crap! 

Kraden felt several hard kicks in the general area of his crotch; thankfully, his gonads of steel were not damaged in the least. The idea of being kicked at all, however, irritated and offended him.

He awoke from his slumber, his eyes slowly conforming to the light. He often dreamt in premonitions (visions of him dominating the world, to be exact), which gave him something to work for. Kraden scanned the room slowly and sadistically, hoping to find the person who had dared to merely _touch_ him, separate his mind from his body and torture his soul for the rest of eternity. Suddenly, he spotted Felix who gave another solid kick to the abdomen.

"I said wake up!"

The older man responded rather harshly.

"I will completely and irrevocably demolish any and all proof of you ever having existed for having the impudence to even _speak_ to me. You are a bug underneath my heel; in fact, you are a parasite feeding on a parasite feeding on a bug unfortunate enough to get in the way of my heel. I will devour and consume the very minds of your parents!"

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Er, I mean, er, erm, I'm Kraden! Blah blah blah… Yes, that's right, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah… Lighthouse, Mars, etc., blah blah blah…"

"We need you to come out and engage in backbreaking labo- I mean, do some simple chores for us. Hurry up."

Kraden continued to play the part of an innocent old man, and simply nodded as the arrogant mortal left the room; however, underneath his calm exterior lay a terrible hatred for all living things, an infernal rage that had already begun to contemplate a plot of revenge against Felix.

* * *


End file.
